It’s 2017. A new year, with new possibilities, new plans and dreams and hopes, probably more than a few resolutions, too, (although I’m not sure why we do that to ourselves). Same old me, but still…fresh beginnings all over the place. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.
And I’m telling myself that because 2017 is the year of trust for me, which may not be a big deal for some, but is a huge deal for me because was I taught from an early age not to trust ‘anyone except family.’ Trust is something I have struggled to share all of my life and when I do, I give it sparingly. And if that trust is broken, which of course it has been because we are human, it can be cataclysmic for me.
For instance, after suffering some serious heartache at the hands of a church where my husband and I had spent decades investing and sowing lots of love, I deeply identified with a song by Bluegrass singer, Alison Krauss, called ‘My Poor Old Heart’. It was sort of my theme song for years afterward because it resonated so closely with what went on in my own heart. The chorus says:
I don’t know that I will ever trust again,
It’s a price that I must pay for all my sins,
Time has changed me and left me full of doubt,
And my heart may be lost never to be found.
(album, Lonely Runs Both Ways, 2004)
Now, Krauss’ song is about a lost love, but the pain in our hearts was as deep or deeper than a lost love; we lost trust, too. We lost trust in pastors, leadership, and people whom we had believed to be friends. Oh, we weren’t blameless; I know this. But we believed our focus was on Jesus, and we were passionate about His righteousness rather than what appeared to be church politics…
It was a season of cold, brutal wilderness…and as with any loss, the pain remains, but the brittle sharpness has dulled over the years. Unfortunately, the violation to my trust factor was so visceral that to this day I resist trusting in others, especially church leaders.
But, as I have sought God’s face for direction in the new year, His Spirit has revealed to me in the past few days that it is time…time to believe in His healing, again.
Time to believe that He is able, again (Ephesians 3:20-21).
Time to trust in God’s sufficiency, again (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Time to believe in His grace for me…AND for others, again (John 1:14; Hebrews 4:16).
Even as I type these words I am aware that I will be tested. I am also aware that trusting, again frightens me a little because it might hurt, will probably hurt, but those thoughts come from a lie telling me that my Father would want to harm me.
He doesn’t. He loves me and wants to draw me closer.
Perfect love casts out fear (I John 4:18).
What about you? How is your trust factor for 2017?